How, How?

Friday, March 30, 2007

Perhentian

Finally got my much awaited leave. How better to spend it than to have a dive trip with dear and some friends :)




Quite beautiful scenery on land and on the ship, though admittedly it can't beat Sipadan.


The dive center offers cheap dives and accom. Dives are good with huge stingrays, 1 turtle, couple of large puffer fish, reaching size of soccer balls (can play soccer with them when they blow up.. ) beautiful landscaping at tiger rocks.

Marine life is not as astonding as Sipadan but the landscapes are great, never dived between rocks before, till this trip. Many of the dives leave us happy:


But of course not everyday is sunday and there is one particular dive with crap visibility and we can't see a *beep*, NB(this is not me..)


Trip was relaxing, good way to get away from work. It felt too short..

I'll never forget the dive resort agent on mainland who is a bit of a 'money eater'. If you ask me if i will come back again to Perhentian, I'll say no for the next few years. At least i would try other dive sites first. This trip serves well for a getaway but it did not give me a feeling that i got a dive of my life.. (maybe i went to sipadan too early..)




Monday, March 19, 2007

When i'm not on call

Spend about 12 hours in hospital
About 6-7 hours of sleep
About 1/1/2 hours of traveling
About 1/2 hour of bathing/brushing...
Left 3 hours..
To squeeze whatever i want to do for the day..


Sunday, March 11, 2007

Fog of Care

During ward round..
Consultant: So if you could turn back time 5 years, would you still choose medicine?

I found it quite hard to answer, seeing how my brother enjoys life as an engineer, how my many other friends could enjoy all their weekends and public holidays..
But still i said 'i guess so..' Because there are really times i find that it's a rewarding job.

It's too easy to hate what i am doing now.. but i might be hating being in other jobs that i haven't done before.

One particular trauma surgeon likes to use the phrase 'fog of war' in a resus. Meaning that while everything is ongoing, there will be items left out when everyone is busily involved in the resus and therefore there should be a 'bystander' looking at the resus and pointing out the gaps

Likewise, i seem to notice 'fog of care' when i am at work in the hospital. Most evident during night calls

'Fog of care' occurs because in times of need, it is nurses who call the docs rather than patients themselves. I will therefore tend to handle the nurses (the fog) instead of the patient's issues.
E.g. 'Doctor! Patient in pain now... How? Wants to see a doctor..' Reply: give him IM tramadol..
The exchange above will result in 2 scenarios:
1) Good nurse accepts and says:'OK if he got any more pain, I call you again ah?' (Yeah, 1 problem solved)
2) Very concerned nurse:'Huh? But patient anxious leh.. wants to see doctor ++' OR 'wa cannot order like that la. you come and see patient ok? slam..' (then how?.. what to do, must see patient lor)
So the same patient may have the same problem but because of the nurse, he may or may not get to see the doctor.

The head of my dept once said very rightly that made me feel real guilty (but the guilt only lasted till my next call) "Very often, we get irritated when nurses call us for patients' problems, forgetting that the patients need us. We always treat these problems as chores, forgetting why we want to become doctors"

I'm really not a compassionate doc.. I am one of those who will get irritated by nurses' calls at night. how do i get rid of this irritation? i have seen real cool colleagues who despite being super busy, are still real polite and patient with everyone. These are the true DOCTORS.

Back to the question.. will i still take medicine? I want to, but am i fit?







Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Death

Attending another friend's wake tonight.

I've been to a secondary school's classmate's some years ago: sudden death while playing games. Now a suicide. It doesn't feel so close (death), until someone my own age passes away..
I wonder why she is not saved, why couldn't she like many others I've seen on night call come into hospital stable and I will go "just another DO.."

I've always wondered what death is like. How it feels. (or is there any sensation at all?) I'm looking forward to so much more things in life, but these friends my age have gone.
Is suicide stupid? Maybe? But is it possible that life's torture ends with death. Our ancestors may be laughing at us for not joining them earlier...
Suicide cowardly? But it takes so much courage to venture into the unknown territory of death when one hasn't experienced it..

Do we imagine that we have souls that will continue our lives after death because we cannot accept that we will be gone forever with death?
I can't imagine myself in a sleep forever, not waking up, not even dreaming, not seeing through my eyes again, losing all my senses, not even being able to call myself 'me' because I have already ceased existence but that's how it's supposed to be.. scientifically.

I'm sad to see them go at such an age. Where many happiness is still in stored for them, albeit the sadness of life. But hopefully there's solace in death.... that, i can only know when it's my turn.