Felt.... Like Death

I never felt this previously, despite the many encounters i had as a HO.
I stepped within the drawn curtains and then i felt it... Death... Total stillness.
She just became a matter just like the neighbouring bed/resus trolley..... Lifeless.
No nurses with me, no other colleagues around. Just me and the patient i had been seeing for the past 2 months. It was hard to describe, it wasn't the sight.. It was truly a feeling.
I haven't even looked at the ECG strip, haven't done the Doll's and pupils reflexes. What i had to do next was just routine.

I had been asked may times before: whether i felt sad when one of my patients passed away. I usually say "not really". This time, it was somehow different. First time i felt like crying, and also first time i had to certify a death.

I remembered how awake she was... how we first tried so hard to save her leg... and ended up trying hard to save her life... without avail. She wasn't the most motivated of patients, but she was one of those that appreciates you when you spend more time talking her into a treatment. She also had a super dedicated husband who comes everyday without fail to see her, buy her food, keep her company.

I guess i felt real sad that everything went in vain, and her husband despite his relentless efforts had to face the inevitable. This is probably the first case i had tried to fight for a patient's survival. Also the first time i had so much contact with the patient before she went into her pre-death coma.

I wonder if i would feel this again....